


Give Me The Beat Boys

by IckyIcky



Category: NeoScum (Podcast)
Genre: Awkward Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-15
Updated: 2020-06-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:40:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,517
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24727624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IckyIcky/pseuds/IckyIcky
Summary: Oh, give me the dick boy, and unleash that hawg,I'll gobble it up like a fucking dog and make you come.---Dak and Tech have awkward sex in Xanadu.
Relationships: Tech Wizard | Squirt Purpler / Dak Rambo
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Give Me The Beat Boys

**Author's Note:**

> CW: Panic Attacks, Anxiety 
> 
> I was on episode 5 when I started writing this. I'm sorry for any canon inconsistencies.
> 
> Thank you so much to...
> 
> [TheFableFolks](https://twitter.com/TheFableFolks)  
> [Ren](https://twitter.com/renmakes)  
> [WhatOtherPlanet](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhatOtherPlanet)
> 
> For beta reading for me. Especially Ren and WhatOtherPlanet who have never listened to NeoScum before.

Tech Wizard didn’t imagine his first kiss being with his friend Dak in the back of Dak's 18 wheel truck Xanadu. Dak Rambo had gotten him started in the shadowrunning business three days ago. Since then, he’d puked out of a moving car, killed a CEO, and eaten his weight in Waffle House hash browns. For some reason being asked to kiss in the back of a truck littered with porno mags, empty beer cans, and who knows what else was still the most surprising thing.

“Oh uh s-sure?” Tech replied to his friend’s request, wondering if this is how shadowrunners normally spent nights between missions. 

“Sweet!” Dak’s surgically installed cat eyes glinted from behind the bangs of his mullet. 

Dak pushed the trash from their dinner of “Louis’ Big Nasty Burritos” onto the floor. He leaned in, putting a hand sticky with hot sauce on Tech’s soft tummy. His lips were greasy and his mustache still had big nasty burrito particles in it. Oh god, what if Tech’s own beard still had vomit in it from earlier today? What if he was bad at kissing? What if this is a joke? What if Dak laughed at him? What if- 

And then Dak’s lips slapped wetly against his. The Appalachian trucker didn’t hesitate to start frenching, pressing his spicy hot sauce laced tongue against Tech’s lips. Tech tentatively opened his mouth which was all Dak needed to start going at it full force. His mouth overtook Tech’s face and his tongue flailed around Tech’s own. Tech started to really smell the “Louis’ Big Nasty Burrito” and god he was hoping Dak was not smelling his own vomit breath. 

“Is this kiss good?” Tech asked with Dak’s tongue still fully in his mouth. 

“You say somethin’ buddy?” Dak replied, still frenching Tech. 

Tech pulled away “Is this good? Is my kissing good?” 

“Well, you ain’t really doin’ a lot, but it’s fine,” Dak replied. 

Tech’s eyes grew wide with fear. _Oh god I did frenching wrong! How the fuck are you supposed to do frenching? Quick, act like you’ve kissed someone before!_

“W-Well… that’s just how I like to french! I fucking love frenching!” Tech wizard replied aggressively.

“Woah hey now me too -” Dak tried to de-escalate but was cut off. 

“Well how do you like to do it huh?” _Nice! Now he'll have to tell me how to french correctly!_

“Tech what’s up with you dude, why are you actin’ all hostile towards me? I just thought we'd have a nice little smooch, maybe jerk each other off, and now you're yellin’ at me.” 

_Oh no I was mean. He’s mad at me now and I deserve it. He didn’t even tell me how to french._

“Ah I’m… I’m just tense,” Tech replied, embarrassed by his actions. 

“It’s okay buddy, I know what’ll loosen you up and get you in the mood!” 

Dak opened up one of the many compartments in Xanadu and pulled out an antique CD, reached over the front seat, and popped it into the dashboard. The song was some ancient 100 year old Trucker song that went “I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away…” Dak began singing along loudly to the song while taking off his shirt slowly and undulating his hips in multiple directions. Dak seemed to have no worries about the fact that the windows were wide open and they were parked on the side of the Chicago highway. Tech felt his body pump with adrenaline and his fight or flight response activate. _Is this what being aroused by a strip tease like?_ Dak’s pants had come off and Tech could see the outline of his flaccid penis flopping around in cum stained briefs. He notably still had on his netback cap, which read “Balls”. The interior car light lit up the dozens of tattoos which covered Dak’s body. They were all swirling together for Tech and he felt like he was going to puke from all the colors, but it was actually just acid reflux from the burrito. Tech burped loudly and Dak reflexively replied “Nice one brother!” while still sexy dancing. Tech started loudly hyperventilating. 

“Oh no I was too sexy! Shoulda known my strip tease was too powerful!” Dak said. 

_Breathe._ “No...” breath “it’s...” breath “fine.” breath. _Deep breaths one at a time._ _No one’s gonna beat you up… hopefully…_ Tech managed to stop gasping for long enough to ask “C-can we turn off the music?”

“Of course buddy.” Dak shut off the soulfully singing man. “You want me to give you the Russian astronaut drugs again?” 

Tech remembered that the drugs, whatever they were, had been great to stop his panic attack on their first shadowrun mission. However, they had also caused Tech to shit himself. Tech really didn’t want to ruin the mood by dropping a deuce while slapping tongues with his friend, Dak. 

“No, I’m good.” 

“Aw wait! Wanna open up your hawg hatch?” Dak said, seeming to forget whatever they were just talking about. 

“What?” Tech replied, running through a mental list of what Dak could possibly mean. 

“Your robo cock compartment! We gotta push the button on your gooch and release the haaaawg!” 

Tech blinked, remembering how his cyborg penis worked “Oh right… um I guess I should take my pants off…” Tech was transported back to high school where he was running late for class and someone pulled down his pants while he was at his locker. Everyone pointed at his bare ass and laughed. 

_“Gross there are butt pimples!”_

_“Pimple butt!”_

_“Pizza butt ha ha!”_

“Hey Tech, want me to-” 

“WHAH!” Tech screamed as Dak’s Appalachian accent transported him back to the dirty stinky truck back seat of the present. 

“I was just askin’ if you want me to take 'em off for you?” Dak said with a playful smile. 

“Don’t you dare bastard!” Tech yelled, grabbing his pants and hiking them up higher. 

“Playin’ hard to get I see?” 

“No...” Tech said embarrassed, realizing Dak was not trying to take off his pants for the sake of humiliating him. “I’m just still tense. People used to pants me at school and call me… names. I think I have a complex about it.” 

“Oh well we don't gotta take off your pants Tech, or whip out your robo weiner,” Dak said in that awkwardly sincere way that always put Tech at ease. 

Tech wanted to ask to stop and maybe to step out of the truck to puke, but... he felt a vindictive rage to keep going. _I’ll show those fuckers. I’ll show everyone. This pizza butt will get to second base tonight! Maybe third!_

“NO LET’S FUCKING DO THIS!” Tech yelled before scrabbling to take off his pants. 

Dak chanted wildly, “UNLEASH THE HAWG! UNLEASH THE HAWG!” 

“SECOND BASE I’M FUCKING COMING TO GET YOU BASTARD!” 

Tech’s pants were around his ankles and Dak excitedly pressed his taint. Tech let out a little squeak as his cyborg penis flopped out of his pelvis. Dak did not hesitate to gobble the entire robo dick in his mouth like a hungry dog finding a sausage in the trash. Tech gasped, his eyes bugging and his mouth wide open in an O shape. Tech didn’t even have time to realise they had gone straight into third base. His eyes rolled back as he felt the wet pressure of Dak’s tongue and throat in the high definition sensory detail only a cyborg schlong could offer. 

“Oh man, this was a good choice for a model,” Tech whispered shaky under his breath. 

Dak didn’t seem to notice though his loud slurping noises of him bobbing up his head up and down on Tech’s robo penis. A pool of thick saliva was pooling around Tech’s crotch and was beginning to drip down his bare leg. 

“Hurgh.” Tech heard a strange noise come from the back of his friend's throat. Dak lifted his head up, releasing the robo dick from the sloppy blow job. Tech’s crotch reflexively did a strong kegel from the sudden loss of warmth and pressure. Dak began coughing and gasping. 

“Oh god are you ok?” _What did I fuck up? Oh god is he gonna deck my ass for this? Is he gonna deck my pizza ass?_

“Ah sorry. Just a lil’ excited s’all.” Dak’s thin slitted cat pupils met Tech’s regular human pupils.

Tech, afraid of eye contact, turned his eyes towards Dak’s kind smile. His teeth were glistening with drool and had some bits of salsa and beans in it. Tech was grateful the robot dong meant he did not have to worry about UTIs. 

“I feel really bad for choking you with my penis,” Tech said solemnly. 

“Aw don’t worry. Chokin’s part of the fun!” 

God, this man was so sweet to him, so kind to him. He’d given him a chance at a new life as a shadowrunner. He genuinely wanted to go to third base with Tech! And what was Tech doing? Choking him with his robot cock. What did Dak see in him? 

“I WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD!” Tech exclaimed, accidentally shouting.

Dak laughed and put a hand on Tech’s face. It took all Tech’s self control to keep from instinctively flinching or shooting him with a lighting spell. Dak began gently rubbing circles on Tech’s cheek with his thumb. 

“I didn’t know you were such a romantic Tech.” 

Tech relaxed into the embrace closing his eyes. _God, this is nice. His hand feels so good… But, I want to make HIM feel good. Quick, what would Dak do?_

Tech quickly pushed Dak’s hand away, leaned in on the trucker's crotch, took out his dong, and slurped it up. Dak gave a loud grunt. Tech paused unsure what to do from here. Dak’s penis was small and flaccid so it wasn’t hard to put the whole thing in his mouth but, how was he supposed to suck off his friend? Tech scrambled his brain for information he had gathered when searching the matrix on his phone for wikiHow articles on “How to be Good at Sex”. Tech thought he’d had read enough to be prepared. Now it was time to put his money where his mouth was, which was on a dick currently, but he was blanking. Tech began bobbing up and down like Dak had done for him. 

“Ah! Careful with the merchandise.” 

Tech stopped, paralyzed with the fear that he'd done something irrevocably wrong. Tech Wizard looked up from his friend’s crotch. 

“Woah, hey I didn’t say to stop. I just meant careful with your teeth,” Dak said with a warm and dirty smile. 

His usually slit-shaped cat pupils had dilated into big goofy circles covering almost his entire iris. They had probably dilated from the excitement of the blowjob. This gave Tech the confidence to begin bobbing up and down again. This time with his mouth open wider and going more carefully. Dak tilted his head back and put his hand on Tech’s head. 

“Fuck yeah! There you go buddy!” Dak said with an excited grunt. 

A jolt of pride went through Tech’s entire body. _Fuck YEAH. I’m giving someone SEXUAL PLEASURE._ Dak’s penis tasted bitter and his crotch smelled like a cum rag that someone was too depressed to wash. No way was that gonna stop Tech though. He was finally sticking it to every person who said he’d never have sex. Besides, it’s not exactly like he expected dick to taste like steak and smell like potpourri. Tech continued to suck off Dak, enjoying the trucker’s snorts of pleasure and the surprisingly careful way he was running his fingers though Tech’s hair. Dak’s bush was big and Tech got a few hairs caught in his throat but swallowed them down. Tech seemed to be doing sex correct and he wanted to keep it going while it lasted. However, after a bit of time Tech couldn’t help but notice…

“Do-do you like this?” Tech stuttered, taking his mouth off of Dak’s still flaccid weiner. 

“Yeah! The only thing I don’t like is you stopp’n.” 

“Well your weiner is still soft,” Tech said, trying to pick his words carefully while also picking out pubes from his mouth. 

“I just got whisky dick syndrome on account of drinking a lot and my meds,” Dak said, still absentmindedly running his fingers through Tech’s hair. 

Dak looked down at the wizard between his legs. His cat pupils were still in big happy circles. Ok, so he was maybe telling the truth and wasn’t so repulsed by Tech that even Tech’s best attempt at sloppy toppy wasn’t enough to get him up. Tech nervously smiled to try to signal to Dak that he was ready to go again. 

“Hey don’t gimme that face! There ain't nothing wrong with haven’ a floppy dick! I am an amazing lover and if your gonna judge me-” 

“I’m not judging you!” Tech said defensively, instantly feeling guilty for being snippy. 

Dak looked confused by the snippiness. 

“I didn’t mean to get snippy with you… I just keep feeling like I’m doing something wrong. Like are you even having a good time?” 

Dak bent down and gave Tech a small but forceful headbutt. Tech heard the bonk of their foreheads colliding rattle in his brain. 

“Ow! Dak what the hell!”

“I already said ain’t nothin’ wrong! And I AM having a good time with you buddy! Don'tcha trust me?” Dak looked at Tech, their foreheads still touching. There he went again being awkwardly sincere. 

“Ok... but is there anything you’d rather me be doing?” 

Dak lifted himself from Tech’s still painfulling pulsing nogen. “Well I wouldn’t mind takin' a ride on your luxury car, if ya know what I mean.” Dak wiggled his eyebrows toward Tech’s robo dick. A rush of adrenaline went through Tech. 

“You mean you want me inside you!?” Tech yelled, failing to hide his excitement of the possibility of going to fourth base.

Dak nodded with a smug smile and eyebrows still wiggling. 

“Fuck yeah! Let’s go! Let’s fucking GO Dak!” Tech yelled, suddenly invigorated. 

“Woo!” Dak howled “Just let me go shit outside first.”

Dak opened one of the upper compartments and containers of lube, poppers, condoms, latex gloves, and enemas rained down. He slapped on some gloves and said “Gotta cleaner out before taking her for a spin,” before stepping outside the truck to squat on the grassy roadside. Dak had closed the truck door behind him but, Tech could still hear the slurping sounds of the enema before Dak started singing “GIVE ME THE BEAT BOYS!” Tech roll up the truck windows. He started to stroke his wiener absentmindedly, trying to stay hard while also not thinking too much about how he was going to be inside his friend's ass soon. For fear of either prematurely cumming or vomiting from anxiety. Tech Wizard started this night a kiss virgin and was gonna end the night a wizard who has had anal sex. Tech felt very proud of himself. 

“Don’t have too much fun without me.” Dak had climbed back into the backseat of Xanadu. He leaned into Tech, giving him a wet kiss. He then spurted a generous amount of lube into his hand and proceeded to put slippery fingers into his ass. 

“My hole is usually pretty loose, but can’t be too prepared!” Dak said slapping his buttcheek with his other hand.

“Oh man you sure have a sweet ass,” Tech replied, trying to sound sexy. 

“Oh you likin’ the show?” 

“Mmmhmmm! Yup! I’m so pumped to have sex!” 

Dak took his fingers out to grab the lube again and slathered some on Tech’s robo hog. “Well that’s just the opening act,” Dak said playfully. Dak stradled Tech Wizard and leaned in close. “Just wait till the main attraction.” 

Dak slowly lowered his hole onto Tech’s cock until it was fully inside him. Tech Kegeled grabbing Dak’s legs. _Sex is GOOD,_ he thought to himself in response to being encapsulated his his friends velvety butthole. Dak leaned forward seemingly trying to balance himself on the robo hog. He braced himself with a hand on a steamed up truck window. 

“Ey! Just like in that old movie Titanic.” He smiled down at Tech “Fuckin’ romantic and shit.” 

  
He began pumping his hips up and down on Tech and holyshit Tech was having sex. The wizard sat there dumbly, amazed with his own accomplishment. 

“Dude whatcha layin’ around for? Fuck me Tech!” Dak said looking expectantly. 

“Y-yeah? Want me to fuck you?” 

“Fuck yeah I want you to fuck me! What do you think I’m on your hawg for? My health?” 

Tech, filled with more confidence then he knew what to do with, grabbed Dak’s hips and began thrusting into him. _Oh shit I’m pretty good at this. I’m pretty good at sex and-_

“FUCK YEAH BUDDY! RAIL MY ASS!”

Dak’s scream startled Tech so much that he jumped out of the seat and both he and Dak fell onto the truck floor. During the tumble something had pressed against Tech’s taint which retracted his still erect cyborg penis back into him. 

“Why did you do that?” Tech yelled. 

“What?” Dak yelled back. “I’m a screamer Tech!”

“My weiner went back inside me!” 

“Well I’ll get it back out!” 

Tech’s body was still high on adrenaline and his face felt hot. He felt acid reflux coming up again, except it wasn’t acid reflux, it was puke. Tech flung Xanadu’s door open and chucked up the Louis Big Nasty Burrito. 

“Aw Tech, that's the second time today.” 

This wasn’t fair. Tech was a good person. Why did things always have to get fucked up? Why couldn’t sex just go right for him. Tech sat back up and closed the door with an emptied out stomach and a dribble of vomit in his beard. Dak looked at him with a sympathetic wince. Familiar cat eyes staring straight into his. Goddamnit. There’s no way Dak was going to want to kiss him again. No one was ever going to want to kiss him again. Tech tried to choke back tears the way his grandma had taught him but one leaked down his cheek. 

“Hey now, why are you cryin’? I know my ass is amazing, but I didn’t expect you to cry over it,” Dak said sympathetically. 

Tech looked down, unable to bear Dak’s gaze. He took a big inhale to calm down, but on the exhale tears came flooding. 

“I never kissed someone before tonight!” Tech said frantically through sobs “I just- I don’t know how to do any of this and I thought I was doing it right, but now I fucked it up and no one will ever want to kiss me again not even you! I’m disgusting and I’m stinky and I’m pathetic and I don’t know why I expected any of this could go right and- and- I’m not sexy at all!” Tech gasped, finally finishing his sentence and wiped the tears and snot that were coming from his face with the sleeve of his wizard robe. 

Tech suddenly felt the weight of strong arms around him and a bare chest pressed against his. “Don’t you ever talk about my friends like that!” Dak yelled hugging Tech closer. “I don’t care what you done or what you haven’t done! Ain’t no one allowed to make you feel ashamed like that, not even yourself!” 

Tech Wizard began crying again. Dak put both hands on Tech shoulders and looked straight at him again. Tech met his gaze, weepy but unafraid. 

“You're my buddy and I love you and you are sexy as hell. Now say ‘I’m a sexy motherfucker’.” 

“I’m a... sexy motherfucker,” Tech choked out through tears. 

“Louder!” 

“I’m a sexy motherfucker!” 

“LOUDER!” 

“I’M A SEXY MOTHERFUCKER!” Tech yelled through sobs. However, they had changed from sobs of embarrassment to sobs of relief. 

Dak pulled him back in for a big hug “There ya go buddy.” 

Dak held Tech while he continued to cry. Dak was still butt naked except for his hat and Tech still had no pants on. Tech’s tears and snot soaked Dak’s shoulder, but Tech knew Dak was not unfamiliar with being covered in various bodily fluids. 

When he had cried himself out Dak patted him on the back, released him from the hug, and said “Me and you have had a big day of drivin’. Wanna find a motel and we’ll cuddle and watch Street Beefs? We can still see what happens.” Dak wiggled his eyebrows again.

Tech’s senses had become pretty blasted. He felt hot, dizzy, and overstimulated. Despite having just been pounding the inside of his friend, Tech felt like even cuddling would be a lot to handle right now. 

“Is it ok if we just hold hands and watch Street Beefs?” Tech asked.

“Hell yeah! Whatever you want, but don’t feel shy about gettin’ frisky if you change your mind.” Dak gave a playful wink. Tech smiled, finally feeling at ease. 

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time publishing my writing online and also this is the first time I've written a sex scene! Leave a comment if you like it. I love NeoScum so if people like it I'll probably write more : D


End file.
